How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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