You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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