twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
