I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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