halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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