i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I need to calm my uterus...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
