I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
