my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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