My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize