I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
