ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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