so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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