No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Can you bring me the toilet please
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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