you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
