She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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