Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
