Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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