I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
