your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
