i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
