dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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