ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
