My Higher Power is John Stamos
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
two words...techno handjob
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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