I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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