If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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