Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
