i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
