Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
