That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
