Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
