I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
