I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
