I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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