if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
