I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
another moral hangover. fuck.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
