bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
