He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
