Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
