the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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