i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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