I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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