We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
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