so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
