I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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