and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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