my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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