Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
