see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I want a musical about memes.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
