Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
