the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
If I had your ass I would rule the world
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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