I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
