did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
