Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
